Letters to Piper, from AV
by Bobbiejelly
Summary: When Alex is released from Litchfield, her joy is short-lived as without her [job] as a drug dealer nor a lousy prison job she has nothing left to fill her days. Haunted by Kubra's trial and everything that preceded it, Alex becomes restless. The only meaningful action she takes is writing to her Ex, Piper. Blind hope and desperation keep her letters coming, without reply.*Vauseman
1. Letter One

AV

Maximum Security Prison

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Letter One

Dear Piper,

If you even read this letter (which I highly doubt), I'm telling you in advance that this letter is NOT an apology. I'm not at all sorry for what I persuaded you to do so don't even think about it. Just like your first conviction I reaffirm that it is only your actions that landed you in Litchfield. I never forced you to go to Lebanon; you were all over the adventure and now you face the consequences. Same to for now.

If it is any reassurance I would like you to know that it is a good thing you lied at your trial. Like I alluded to in Chicago, Kubra's power reigns much stronger than that of our court system. He's out Piper. He's out on the streets on the loose again with more power than ever to disappear, to terrorize, to steal, to gain money. He's out to kill. And we all know who his next target will be.

So then why you ask did I tell them the truth? Why would I reveal information that puts me in danger every moment of my remaining days? Why would I want to come "home" to another life of fear - where every creak at my apartment door makes me jump in paranoia, cower in fear and pull out a gun from my belt pocket adrenaline coursing through my veins as I steele myself to be a killing machine.

Well newsflash Kid, all that IS "Home" to me. Fear, doubt, paranoia has been my life since I was very young. I know what its like to always have enemies on your tail. And do I want to be done with all that once and for all? Of course Piper, but I'd also like to win the Lottery and that's not happened either. So this is the closest I was ever going to get - a chance for Kubra to be in prison and me to be free. And even in all its bitterness I savor this taste of freedom like having the first taste of a persimmon in spring. Its an imperfect yet perfect feeling.

Are you worried about me? I highly doubt it. I know you too well Kid and I know that you're probably too focused on your own life right now. You're probably focused on your dissapointed lawyer, or some new Litchfield prison drama, or maybe even your Ex Larry. But I hardly doubt you spend your time wondering about the shadow of [what is it for you? Is it lust or boredom or anger or revenge?] that clouds your head when you dare to whisper my name. You probably think this is my own goddamn fault so I have to deal with it alone whiles you go fuck someone else. I just hope sex with them is not as good as what we have [had?].

Alas I can see the question forming in your mind as your eyes gleam along these tiny scribbles. I can see the wonder and confusion as you search for a glimmer of what? Hope? Hope that someday your {What am I even to you} I'll just say Alex will come home to you with roses. Am I worried about you Piper? Yes I am. There. I said it. Do I still care about you Piper? Yes. I do. There, I fucking said it are you satisfied? Have I blown your egotistical mind out of proportions now? Hardly like more ego can fit inside those long, blonde locks of hair anyways.

Did I plan beforehand how I was going to play the trial? Did I know in advance that I was going to get you to lie while I was going to tell the truth?

That's a story for another time, Kid.

Best of luck at Litchfield Piper,

\- Alex

Notes:

A new letter will be posted weekly, expect updates on Sundays

I will announce it at the end of the previous chapter if there is a circumstance where I am not able to complete a letter for that week.

Review replies:

Thanks lovelies for the reviews :)

This is my first stab at fanfiction, and constructive criticism is much appreciated.

At the bottom of each letter, I will post responses to reviews I get for that particular chapter. If you do not want comments posted about your review, please say so in your review. Thanks

To: izzielg

My first ever reviewer! I feel like a superstar :)

Yes, yes it is harsh. Alas Alex is pretty harsh. I always have a soft spot for her because she can deliver tough love to Piper in ways that makes the blonde learn. Fear not though, I am a true Vauseman fan at heart. There will be more fluff to come yet 3


	2. Chapter 2

This story contains mature themes: Basically sex. There, warned you.

Enjoy!

AV

Maximum Security Prison

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Letter Two

Dear Piper,

Don't even lie to me, I know you threw out that last letter. I don't feel bad about it one bit because frankly it was too sappy for my taste (bet you want to read it now, don't you). Well to refresh your memory, I'm out of prison and my probation officer is shit. He does zero good job of "surveillance". I almost strangled the recycling boy when he pounded on my door asking me to break down the cardboard boxes before I throw them out. So there's my paranoia for you.

Anyways, I miss you. There, said it. I miss you even though you chose a fucking dude Larry or Barry or something over me. I know I'm still second pick and I want every bit of it.

You're my fucking weakness you know! Every piece of my life would be fine if I was only afraid for myself. I know i'm disposable - everyone is. But life is harder when you're protecting more than yourself. Don't be a jerk, I know you know that I've been protecting you your whole life.

Remember that time in China? Remember when we went to the Great Wall and those bugger beggars came to ask you for spare change. You looked up at them deer in the headlights until I walked up [ran up] 103 stairs in really thick smog to tell them off. I held your hand and told the guy off with my other hand. They protested and wrestled you to the ground. I took one guy out by tripping him in his own feet and got him to spin around and punch out his own accomplice. Spun around again still holding your hand to pick you up and carry you down you were so shaken up. It was only the second time you got punched in the face (we won't talk about the first).

And then I took you down to a private taxi where we shuttled to the biggest hotel in Beijing. We had the penthouse suite on the top floor. We couldn't wait to be in that room. The entire time in the car I wanted to fuck your pants off but I stayed civil until that crystal elevator. That was the last straw and I saw you biting your lip looking at my black tank top. I saw you biting your lip hard when I smirked and fixed my glasses. Your face was flush as the sun when I took one of your blonde curls of hair and twirled it in my fingers. When you leaned into me I reached around your back and I grabbed both of your wrists at once. You wanted to kiss me but I made you wait until the last possible second. I squeezed your wrists and used your weight against you to push you up against the elevator wall.

You almost tripped but I used my forearm to brace your hands over your head besides the buttons while I caught your ass with the other hand. You would have stood up again if you weren't so weak at the knees from me pressing my lips full onto yours. You parted your lips only slightly, invitingly as I looked in your blue eyes and you averted your gaze. You were looking up, up at your hands up at the sky begging for an answer. You weren't begging for me to release you you were begging for me to keep going harder. Didn't you know that I'm a tease?

I crouch down besides you and you meet my eyes. Yours are full of watery blue love and mine are full of pure lust and passion. I kiss you again until you run out of breath. Ironic huh - aren't you the runner? And I remember how cute you looked before when you tried to bite your lip so I decided to do a bit of that for you. I graze my teeth against your bottom lip and I think I heard you sigh. I hold both edges of your face and you realize your hands are free and you put them down my shirt. I nibble your bottom lip and it tastes like vanilla strawberry candy.

You start moaning and look dizzy and intoxicated. I know it was because of me. We were completely sober. You probably didn't even know that I was feeling the same way. I was feeling floaty and free all because of this silly blonde girl but alas I am much better at hiding my emotions. Your eyes gave it all away and I loved every minute. My eyes were steadfast and cold no matter how much I was melting because of you inside.

You ran out of breath so bad you pushed me away. I was shocked but accepting as I finally pressed the button on the elevator door to go up to the penthouse suite. I put my arm around your waist as I led you through the door to the biggest and brightest hotel suite you had ever seen.

Guess it doesn't compare much to Lichfield eh?

Well I'll tell you what Kid, if we're still alive at the end of this goddamn mess well maybe I'll just take you there again.

-Alex

Notes:

Again, thanks. MILLION for all the reviews! I'm absolutely so happy when I see them. I read each and every one and reply to them all personally.

Constructive criticism is appreciated. This is my first fanfiction, and always want to get better at the business.

Ps. About the story: No, don't worry it will not all be fluff, nor heavy stuff, nor repetitive. I will do my best to strike a balance. Feel free to PM me with ideas I'm super open to that!

Night Lovelies 3


	3. Chapter 3

AV

Maximum Security Prison

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Letter Three

Dear Piper,

I am numbering these for YOUR sake because I know you're not fucking reading them. I know you're putting these away in your goddamn cubby like a 12 year old with candy. Stashing them for a brighter day? A shittier day? When you are lonely and want to feel someone loves you? Because you can't decide between two people who are all over you poor you. Too bad you fucked up that choice real good. You can't have it all, shouldn't I know it.

Remember (humour me, pretend you remember) when I told you I would explain about why I asked you to keep quiet at the trial. Let me tell you first of all, I don't want you to feel lied to. I don't want you to feel hurt. I don't want to hurt you. Well I was telling the truth when I said I didn't intend on naming Kubra. I was dead set on lying I swear. At the last meeting with my lawyer he promised me my testimony would throw Kubra in Jail and I would get away. He set a deal with me and all the other people testifying against him. I asked for the same deal for you, I swear I did. They told me no the first time. I asked again and the lawyer slammed his book on the table and said "Alex are you thinking straight! Chapman's testimony would go something like I met this boss guy at a pool party and he bought me a drink but I can't remember what he looks like because I was too busy hanging off my girlfriend and chatting with my relatives to feed them bullshit lies about where I was". "You know it's true and you know that testimony is going to get him nowhere. The stakes are too high for her. She has more to lose and nothing to gain."

The lawyer continued: "You however have everything to gain and Kubra has everything to lose. Here, tell you what. You tell your little girlfriend ("She's not exactly…." "Wait then who the fuck is she" "Well my ex, but I still love her…" "Are you fucking insane?") Anyways "you tell blondie that you're going to lie. Do you think that'll convince her?" I said yes. I said yes because I know you better than you know yourself and I know that you would pull through. I know your back history of silly stories telling the truth and getting kicked in the ass for it. I know you've been brought up by the notion "Secrets are best kept, Piper". I still remember you muttering that in your sleep.

So I did it. I lied to you once more. And I did it to protect you.

I only lied to you two times since we met. The first time was when you accused me of naming you. I thought you would never find out otherwise. I thought you had no way of accessing any records so I put on my best game face and shouted "I have never lied to you… ever". That was a lie but the part preceding it was not. "You broke my fucking heart". Oh yes you did Piper, you sure did. After I stormed off do you know I went to my bunk and cried. I put my blanket above my head so no one would see. You would know that I am silent in my suffering. No one was the wiser. I was sad you wouldn't talk to me. And I was sad at my sorry ass that I was crying like a girl over the same girl that made me cry all those years ago. How pitiful.

This was the second time. And I could feel the tears pull at the side of my eyes but I couldn't let them fall. I was waiting in that orange jumpsuit outside the room while you had your trial. I had my head buried in my hands. For a minute I almost wanted to rush into that room and have you hold me. Talk to me slowly and calmly. But I knew that would never happen in a million years. I knew I might never see you again if you made a balls of things and "told the truth". So I pictured my life without you and I started to shiver and shake in fear. I covered my eyes with my hands as if the security guard could see the string of emotions run across my face.

Usually I am impossible to read. I can lie so much that I can believe my own lies. I can convince anyone of anything. As aforementioned there's only two people I confide in and that's you and Diane. And those two people coincidentally are the only people who can elicit emotions enough to show on the outside. Without you, without Diane I am numb. People mean nothing to me. Lives mean nothing to me. I was too lost in my own world when some random person had to go into the trial. I felt your eyes on me. Its a sixth sense I've always had. I just begged and pleaded to unnamed forces that I had convinced you to say what you needed to say. I couldn't hear a word. The adrenaline coursed through my veins and it wasn't a rush like it was when I was a dealer. It was fear. My worst fear. Feeling your terrified eyes on me I knew I was a goner if I lost you.

Just now the recycling guy came back to tell me that there's three scary looking people there with weapons looking for a guy named Vause. The only thing protecting - I mean fuck nothings protecting me. I mean the only thing that's making it so I'm not murdered is that one of Kubra's assistants failed to mention I'm a chick. See how long that lasts. See how I'm the one who lives through danger to protect Piper from - I don't even know why i'm doing this anymore I know we broke up.

By the way, call me. My number's the same I know you have it memorized somewhere in that little blonde head of yours. And I want to chat in person about this.

You're my weakness, Pipes

I hope somewhere I'm still yours

Get it?

-Alex

Notes:

Thank you all for the reviews, especially the constructive criticism ones. I love improving my writing and its so motivating to hear your thoughts.

Thanks all for the follows/ favourites. Its so cool to see people want to see more!

Also note I will continue to reply personally to reviews, however I will do so in private messaging.

So as promised, your sunday letter from Alex Vause to Piper Chapman :)


	4. Chapter 4

AV

Maximum Security Prison

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Letter Four

Social Isolation. It feels terrible. I can't image what it was like for you. You in the SHU, I can barely - no I don't want to picture it. Right here I feel like everyone is a hidden enemy. I feel like there as murderer waiting around every single corner.

The things that keep me going are the little happy bits, the little memories that sometimes wash over me when nostalgia strikes. No Piper, they are not ALL about you. This one in particular isn't. But yes Piper, many of my happy moments that I cling to are moments that I shared with you.

Instead of walking to this Greek place I ended up going to some Russian Cafe. It was tiny and run down and had a sign up saying "closing tomorrow". But I went anyways. I ordered some sweet pastry thingies and just sat there by myself. Over at the next table were the restaurant's only guests. I thought one of them look a bit hot until I saw that one of her boobs was a lot smaller than the other. Not to be discriminatory, but that's just not doing it for me. So I go back to daydreaming and I let my mind wander to my first date. With a boy.

This probably surprises you dosn't it! Look here's the full on lesbian getting some dick action. Well I promise the only dick action was him BEING a dick. See I was only 13 when that happened. I did it to make myself feel better after a pretty rough time at school. This stupid girl was bullying me about my non-brand name shoes and my apparently rancid smell. So I was pissed. I wanted revenge and I wanted my power back. I wanted this girl to suffer because she was so ignorant; she had never suffered a day in her life she was practically Rolling in cash.

My mother always used to tell me about my celebrity father. He "was a singer" she said. He "Made the crowds go wild. The lineups for tickets were hours and hours long, but she picked DIane and wanted to have a child with her". As a naive (don't push it. I know you'd laugh at me for that) little kid I was I believed her. So what I thought I'd do was date a powerful boy to get back at Jessica. I would make her burn with envy and her jealous hands would have no power to do anything

Even at the time I think I could make myself look "hot" if I wanted to. I was a brunette back then. That's my natural colour. The jet black came when I had money - and that only happened when I started dealing. So I was a brunette with a slim frame and young curves. I wore zirconium earnings (fuck diamonds) and a black dress to school. Overkill I know. I had this fierceness in me by then. I had grown up since the silly school girl pity girl. And I stood on tiptoes (to make myself look taller) and came up to the boy of choice.

W. I said.

"And you beautiful lady, must be Alex"

Usually when your ... "Crush" compliments you like this you'd feel a rush right? All I felt was boredom. His breath already felt sour. It was harsh and thick. I hoped I didn't have to kiss him.

"That would be it" I said with a smirk.

"Well m'lady, would you like to..."

M'Lady? Really? That was the wrong century there. Maybe it'll take another century before he says anything again... Feels like it the way he's stammering. I love it. If there's anything I like its having someone hanging off of my words.

"... Would you like to go to dinner sometime? ... I mean... You can like"

The way he was fumbling away it made my smirk become more pronounced. I couldn't help it - He couldn't help it and it was all because of me. The effect I was having on him was impressive. I had the upper hand, and I was going to milk every fucking second of it.

"Alright then"

"Allow me" he said as he attempted chivalry. He reached to put his arm around mine to lead me to my next class. It was a bit far to the next room. Luckily we passed by Jessica on the way. I glared at her. She looked at me rather appalled.

He was good looking. Came from money - obviously. He had a Rolex watch around his wrist and brand-name clothes from his shoes to his shirt. I was honestly more riled up from looking at the gold plate of his watch strap then the fact that his wrist was on mine. His arms were all hairy and scratchy and it was pretty damn uncomfortable. But I needed him and he wanted me, so I pull his arm closer (but not his body eww) and put my arm on his shoulder before walking into my class.

"Bye"

"See you round... Like... Greco's Pizza at Six?"

"Sounds good"

"I'll " I knew he was going to say he was going to pick me up. I didn't want him to though because that would mean he would know where I live. So instead I pipe up with "

\- "I'll meet you there"

"Okay" He replied nervously.

I feel a smirk pull the edges of my lips and I turn to him, and I wink just for effect.

He's still standing there dumbstruck as I walk on into class.

English is boring. As per usual. I hear the teacher drone on and on until I stop paying attention.

Instead of the lesson, I find my eyes wandering around the room until they start to focus on the girl sitting next to me. She's a redhead, with almost golden curls of hair. Her hands are delicate and smooth. Long fingers write furiously everything the teacher is saying. Her nails are intricately patterned with blue-green whirls. I start to wonder what it would feel like to hold those hands. I would squeeze them gently, not too tightly and press them against my chest...

Before I get further in my thoughts I hear a snicker come from the back of the class. There it was, Jessica Wedge laughing her eyes out with a whole crowd of giggling Barbies. They were just loud enough to alert the entire class about their mischief, but just quiet enough that the rustle was imperceptible to the useless teacher rambling on.

I just turn around and ignore them. I pretend to be taking notes on the lecture. Instead all I really wrote was "Al holds her hands out gently while the redhead reaches out to take them. She looks into Al's eyes, smiling...". And while I write this I forget the piercing eyes glaring at me and I steal a glance at the girl next to me again. She's still gripping her paper and pencil, lips pursed in effort. I wonder what it would be like to taste those lips...

Wait what? I decided it was just a fluke. Everyone thought pretty girls were hot right? I mean it's natural even for straight girls to feel that pull towards their own sex. I thought of Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl". It calmed my nerves.

Turns out my stares had not gone unnoticed from the peanut gallery in the rear.

"DYKE". Jessica Wedge half-whispers half-shouts to the entire class.

"She's a DYKE" she continues. "Al is a big fat DYKE. A poor, filthy DYKE who preys on young girls and will pry them from their boyfriends hands"

It cuts me like knives. Why did this stupid girl have such power over me. She made me boil with rage. I wanted to punch her out right there but I didn't. Not because I couldn't or because I was worried about the teacher noticing. Last thing I wanted was empirical evidence that I was part of a "lesbian" stereotype (Not that I was admitting at the time of any identification with the word "lesbian".

So I wait it out. I stare at my own paper for the rest of the class. I restrain myself from looking at the redhead. I continue to scrawl on the notebook "She brushed my cheek with her long fingers, pressing gently"... I convinced myself it was only a pursuit in creative writing. Soon the bell rang for the end of the day. I filed out and stopped at my locker before leaving for the day.

My mom no longer picked me up right outside the school. I learned that lesson young when Jessica Wedge. When we were kids she asked public ally if I lived in the thing. So I met Diane across the corner. Our van was tattered and torn. But it felt like home. On the car ride home we listened to mix tapes of old rock stuff. Old rock stuff I still love. We sang out at the top of our lungs.

Suddenly I realized I had nothing prepared for the evening. Nothing at all. I had nothing in the world to wear. I hated fancy clothes back then because it made me feel too snooty. But I knew I needed something for my "date" so I piped up to say..

"Hey mom..."

"Hey Alex"

"Ca - can I borrow a dress for tonight?"

"Where is this coming from Al? I thought you hated them"

"Well I need it for a school gig and maybe..."

"Bullshit. You hate school functions.

Where are you going"

"Nowhere special"

"Aha, but WHO are you going with?"

"No one special"

"Are you kidding me Al!? I've been waiting for this moment for years and years. You want to tell me the lucky lad who's stolen your leather heart?"

"No."

"Any hints?"

"No."

"Well I suppose I'll have to say - "

"Mom please! And PLEASE calm down. He's just... "

"Of course you can doll. I'll even let you wear my necklace too"

"Really"

"Really"

"Alright"

Honestly I was hoping she would say no. I was hoping for a fight. I was hoping for any excuse that would make it so I never had to go to that diner with the idiot boy JASON WEDGE looking at my breasts all night. I didn't want to explain that I was only going to make his sister fucking jealous. But hey you gotta do what you gotta do. So I get dressed up in my mom's dress. I don't really care that much about my hair but my mom fusses over it so I let her do what she wanted.

Eventually I convince mom to drive me down. I tell her I'll call when I need a ride back.

"IF you need a ride back... (She says with a wink)"

I roll my eyes but she's too busy giggling to see.

Jason wedge shows up in a tuxedo.

I'm not even fucking joking with you.

It looked so utterly stupid that I laughed at him.

Openly.

To his face.

Unfortunately he thought I was laughing at his dumbass joke so I let him be. He sits down and picks the window seat. Damn I wanted it so I could stare at the outdoors instead of his face. Never mind that then when the waiter cam though because it cut through all the sudden

"Can I get you folks some drinks?"

It was a sweet sounding voice. Crystal clear. Just high enough. Just a lilt of a laugh of amusement. So I allowed it. I look her up and down, from her short legs (she was like 5 foot) and Asian complexion. She had big tits and brown eyes shaped like almonds. And a sweet face with short black hair. (Piper no need to be jealous, she wasn't bad but nothing compared to you). I can't help but raise an eyebrow at her and say boldly

"Can I get a Guinness?"

Obviously I was fucking like 14 at the time so I thought for sure I'd get busted. THat being said I WAS 6 foot then even. So much to my surprise she asked if I wanted ice. I was stunned but I managed a nod. The boy just shrugs and asked for a Coke. Lame.

As she walks away I get a glimpse of her ass through her tight back pockets. I lick my lips subconsciously.

Boy notices and for some reason feels like picking up on social cues.

"Hungry ?!"

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm was all I answered. I wasn't talking about pizza but he didn't seem to notice".

"I'm getting the marguerite"

"Typical" I say.

"And... And a salad because I'm watching my girlish figure"

I laugh to his face again and almost spit my drink. He's the farthest thing from girlish figure I've ever freaking seen. But agin he thinks I'm swooning or something so yeah.

"I'm getting the triple bacon hog wild" I say. I'm not pretending to be some prissy WASPy thing. I fucking love meat and there ain't no changin' it.

"Lucky for you you can eat whatever you want and still be a size 26 and a Double D"

Ewwww. Fuck I never thought he would like, investigate my bra size or anything. And it was fucking judgemental, shallow and irritating. I give him a death glare.

"Glad we're going halfs then, I mean I can't afford a girl with a guy appetite"

That fucking blows ok., I mean no way in hell was I letting HIM pay. That's for sure. But I mean who does he think he is rather presumptuous saying we're splitting. I mean that's not even TRYING to be a gentleman. Seriously I was glad it was just business.

And I was glad when the Waiter came so I didn't have to say any stupid small talk.

"Will that be sauce on the side for you m'love?" She says with a cute accent. I'm smiling a bit (making it into a smirk) and I tell her "Yes, I mean the sides are where all the action happens right? Got to go in for that dip"

The double entendre was plain as day but obviously the guy was oblivious. He was playing with his hands nervously.

"Mmhmm She says winking. Action in the dipping, and also in the licking" Making a motion with her fingers. Fuck it was hot. I was a bit enthralled by the whole banter that was going on. It was so natural.

"Well with that I might need a few more napkins, got to keep those fingers and that tongue ready"

She smacked her lips in response. I pretty much forgot about the boy then and there. The waitresses eyes crinkled as she skipped away with the notepad.

Apparently the guy WASN"T totally ignorant to what was going on because he was nursing a boner seeing me flirt. I could just tell by the way he had put his jacket over his hips. I asked if he was "Cold down there, or maybe hot down there?"

He was humiliated.

And for the rest of the night I knew I had the upper hand.

Dude was blushing and eating his pizza with a fork and knife. I gave fuck all and ate it with my hands like a normal person.

He says he needs to pee, ties his jacket around his waist and scurries off. I die laughing when he' shout of sight

Meanwhile while he' gone (Seriously He can't fight a fucking boner?)

When the waiter asked if we needed refills I sucked my thumb full of sauce, gently bit the tip and raised my eyebrows as I nodded "Yes, yes please". She bent down to show me her cleavage when she refilled myth glass right to the brim. I loved every second of it.

"Did you know that the best wineglasses were measured by royalty's breast sizes" I mentioned.

"Ah, well now that you mention it how does this size measure up?: She says, motioning to the wine glass she has on her tray. I look at her tits, and back to the glass. I tell her "Looks just about right. Just the right size to suck on a little..." I say. And I know she knows that I'm not talking about the glassware.

I feel a bit warm between my legs for some reason. I' m a actually grinning when she smiles back at me. I feel a bit wet between my leg also and try to shake out of it.

Good thing too because Jonathan is back. He huffily apologizes and settles down to eat his remaining food.

After it he wraps his arm around me too harshly. We pay in cash. Waiter asks if we want one bill. He says no. Waiter gives me a puppy dog look. I roll my eyes looking at Jonathan. She nods. He's looking at his feet of course. When it's my turn I give a 20% tip even though I'm broke. I just tell the boy that mine cost extra. He Dosn't catch it when the waiter swings her hips as she walks away and waves.

In his car he just says how great of a time he had, how he wants to see me again. I say aw, you too with just enough tact to keep the sarcasm hidden. I tell him next date should be at Greco's again. He says the food's great. I'm just glad he thinks that's the reason.

He leans in and gives me a kiss that's sloppy as fuck. I just let him take it and think to myself how overrated the whole thing is. My mom picks me up and I jump in there FAST.

The next day at school word gets around about the whole escapade. He exaggerates the entire deal saying I flirted with him all night and was a great kisser and gave him French ones. What a liar but it's exactly what I hoped would play into my hands.

Jessica wedge goes to make fun of me, and then Jonathan goes and puts his arm round my shoulder protectively. She groans and walks away. I've never felt so fucking powerful in my 14 year old life.

Inside though I just felt empty. I went home from that date and drank more beer to take the edge off. His lips felt so rough I couldnn't get it out of my skin.

We go to Greco's every Friday. The waitress remembers us (I'm thinking probably she remembers ME) each time and seats us first and gives me an extra beer on the house. And him an extra Coke to be nice but who gives a damn.

This time though, she got real. He asked if I wanted to give him a blowjob that night. I was shocked. I wanted to say yes but the last thing I ever wanted was his slimy banana between my teeth. So I say "Nope."

He gets pissy with me and storms out of the restaurant. "You're paying for this. You're paying cash tonight and you're going to regret it because girls like you can't put out when the guy needs it"

It's so completely sexist and demanding that I laugh at him again. I say "Well you're literally going to go fuck yourself right now because no way in hell are you getting any dick action from being a dick"

He slams the door behind him.

The waitress comes back with the pizza and I just say "more for me then"

"Loser ditched?" She asked

"Yup. Didn't want to suck his balls so he had the balls to get the hell out"

And she laughed. It was sweet and controlled at first, but then becomes rowdy. And I laugh too. And it's all better. And I don't even think about tomorrow or school. All I think about it man, she's laughing and I want to make it continue. I'm thinking about stupid jokes when she says

"Well m'lady, want a replacement date?"

"Only if I'm payin" I give her a sly grin

She slides into the booth.

We chat for awhile. It's lame to be honest. She wasn't very smart so when I talked to her about books she never got it. She was kinda irritating. But much less irritating than Jason. So I was content.

At one point she comments I have something on my lip. I giggle. She asks if she can wipe it away. And I say yes.

And she leans in and smiles, turns her head slightly and licks my lip. She bites it for a second. Then lets go.

I'm dumbstruck. I'm wet agin under my pants and my legs feel super warm. My lips are tingling. My eyes have softened. My hands are shaky and suddenly I feel nervous.

"Did you get it all" I eventually reply, not wanting to reveal the effect this woman was having on me.

"Not quite" She says. And this time I lean in. And pretty soon her hands are on my inner legs and mine are on her boobs. And we make out in the middle of the Greco's pizza for a long while.

"I... I... Gotta go" I say when my mom calls. Diane is at the door. She nods and says "Don't worry pumpkin, your secret's safe with me". And she winks.

I smile as I rush out the door. I expect Diane to be parked out back so I almost know I her over when I realize she'd been standing by the glass window pane outside our booth, right by the door.

"So I'm guessing your dude date was a flop" She says

I just curl up and steam with embarrassment. I had never lied to Diane before. I hadn't really just hadn't really been sure myself. I was more sure of my sexuality hi there for sure than ever before. I was scared though. Terrifie even. I mean what if she disowned me for being a lesbian! Where would I even go?

My stomach drops when she says

"You know I'm going to have to leave you because of all of this right"

I panic, burst into tears and beg her not too.

"Please..."

She just pulls me into a hug. I'm confused as hell. I fight away and glance up, fearing her eyes.

"Kidding" She says. "Look Hun, I've known for quite awhile you liked girls. Don't sweat it. Just no fucking in the car ok?"

"Hhhhh - how?" I ask?

"Mm mm, my dear. I'll tell you when you're older"

I go to punch her in the shoulder. She reacts quickly and dodges it.

"Seriously MOM tell me"

She looks me dead in the eye, smirks (Yes, that's where I got the smirk From) and says in a teasing tone

"Next time you look at porn Vause, you gotta clear your internet history"

So there's my coming out story Piper. You were always too caught up in your own life to even care about mine. So while you sit in prison why don't you imagine me flirting with a waitress in this cafe and get that jealous look out of your eyes.

If you ever want me back (if I even let you), you'd better phone me.

\- Alex

Notes:

Reviewers are amazing. Just saying they truly are awesome. I take them all into account and edit my work based on suggested improvements :) So thanks for them all. I do reply personally to each one via private message :)

Also notes, yes these letters are all kind of random. They don't follow a linear pattern and they're a strange mix of flashback and angst and hurt and humour. I'm both working to be more consistent and also enjoying the liberty of freedom to try out new writing styles. Don't worry, these will form a more cohesive unit soon, and yes I do have an endgame planned.

I spoiled you all this week with an extra long letter. Looks like Vause's gone soft and I've gotten more time on my hands. I can't promise this amount of depth every week but I do promise to keep the updates coming by Sunday's at the latest.

Feel free always to PM with any questions or concerns about this work or just chatting.

Have a good week folks :)


	5. Chapter 5

Trigger warning: Self Harm

AV

Maximum Security Prison

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Letter Five

Dear Piper,

I wish you had the same connection to Carol that I had with DIane. I know it's hard to picture because your mom is well... WASPy (like you), but also quite homophobic and a bit thick-headed.

Diane is exactly the opposite. In my last letter I revealed my coming out story. I mean really (after getting over the mortified expression that is inevitable when you realize your mother knows your porn history) you realize that despite knowing your not-so innocent video preferences and knowing you are a queer and knowing you are not so innocent in other ways she still loves you. She loves you unconditionally and still makes a point to spend time with you and joke around like old friends.

Do you know what we did that night, me and Diane? We went home and had a beer together. We talked for the entirety of the evening about girls (in my case) and boys in hers. That was the first night she ever told me about my dad. I mean really told me, not like the whole fantasy story she made up when I was seven. She told me where he went on tour, and who he was touring with. She told me that she thought it was true love back then, back when she was twenty-three and couldn't have a care in the world (see the parallels I'm drawing here Piper?).

She told me that they met when they were in college - or sort of in college. She was just staying around campus for the parties. She didn't have the cash for courses. He did. But he was a terrible student. He would pip off and get high - only off of weed back then. But maybe the whole gateway drug thing has its truths. Hardly. See my mom told me he was abusive sometimes. Sometimes my dad would come home high or drunk and he would punch her in the face. Sometimes he would kick her in the shins. Or later he would cut along her thighs because no one could see the scars there of course. When he woke up from his high he would mumble an apology. He would cry and get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness. My mom had too much heart to refuse so she forgave him. She said it would be the last time but it never was. To make it up to her my dad would play. He would play his music - not the music from his band but ever better real stuff. Stuff he wrote only for my mom and that he strummed gently on his guitar.

My mother fell for it every goddamn time. They ended up sleeping together. He wore a condom - always. That was the deal they made. Only this time for some reason the package was torn through. It was the last one in the box and it was better than nothing. Unfortunately it had a tear in the bottom. Piper I'll spare you the details (or do you like dicks?). My mom couldn't afford the morning after pill. She begged for my dad to give her the cash for it, but he refused. He stormed off and got high as a kite. He left with his band tour the next day and never even said goodbye. All that was left was an envelope with a note that said "You're the greatest fuck up I've ever had. Have a nice life".

My mom was in tears by this point. She chugged her beer in one go and looked down, deflated. She was ashamed. Of everything - that she couldn't afford college, that she ended up with some fuck up, that she fucked him and he fucked her and he got her fucking knocked up and fucking left for fucks sakes. After that her scent ended became incoherent. I carried my mom to her bed and closed the door and sighed as she fell asleep. I went to my own room. I tore up or tried to tear up a poster of my father's band. I couldn't do it. Even after the story he was still this enigma to me and I wanted to meet him in person.

But I was too scared. I was still only fourteen and I could never travel on my own. So I just cried myself to sleep and walked myself to school the next morning.

When I got home my mother was still in bad. She was awake but not happy. She hadn't eaten all day and I knew why. Her bank account was empty. I dipped into the money I got from some school prize and checked out two boxes of cereal from the corner store and a gallon of milk. It was all we could handle. I got out the bowls and poured us breakfast - supper - who gives a fuck at this point.

She never wanted to eat. I asked her why.

She told me because it was her in mourning. Wait did he die? I asked. No she said, she was mourning his image of perfection. She was mourning the loss of this image she had created in my mind for my sake as a child. She was mourning that she had started to believe that image too. But the truth had sunk in the moment she told me the real deal. She was upset about more than that though

She said "I'm unhappy Al, because this is the moment you lose your innocence". I reply snappily with my favourite Robertson Davies quotes "One learns one's mystery at the price of one's innocence". I thought she would like that, like that her daughter was growing up. She didn't. She hated it. She raged, banging her fists against the table until they bled and bruised. She was about to go for the wall when I stepped in front of it. I knew she would never lay hand on me. "What's wrong? What the fuck"

She just collapsed into tears again. She let herself sink to her knees, then sat slumped on the tile floor of our dingy apartment. She explains that along with the loss of my innocence is the loss of my naïveté about the world and how it functions. It's never fair and she wanted better for me. Goddamn how could she not have provided for her daughter - her bright and beautiful daughter who could quote poets from all over the world to go to get a real education. She knew about the cycles of poverty and how I was going to be caught right in that endless viscous circle of low pay 4 jobs struggling to get by.

I tell her "well at least with my gayness I won't get teen pregnant"

She tries to fight the grin, and it results in a half-twisted smirk. There's the Diane Vause I knew and loved. I gave her a hug, and I ran my fingers through her scratched up hair. I put my arms around me mother's shoulder and cradled her as she had done for me so many times. As she had done every single time I was bullied or taunted or teased. She looks up at me with tired eyes. She was trying to be strong but she didn't want to fight so hard. I didn't have anything to say so I just lay down my head on hers. We just sat there alone the two of us for hours. We would have fallen asleep there had it not been for the knock on the door.

When I opened it I expected - I had no expectations. Turns out it was Jessica Wedge and Jason Wedge. Jessica glared at me. Jason glared at me. They looked into our dingy place and laughed a terrible laugh before they pulled out their cell phones and snapped a picture of how depressed me and Diane looked then. They shared it with the world. I slammed the door in their face. I fought the tears so my mom wouldn't have to see them and comfort me. Too late, she knew me too well. She pulled my down into her arms and I wept.

I told her I needed space, needed to have a shower. I did. So I went in the shower and turned it on. I wanted it as loud and burning as it could be. Burning on my skin from the power of the jets not the heat. We couldn't afford warm water then. I took out my razor and took the blade out. I dragged it along my right wrist. I didn't even gasp or bothering looking down. I was so numbed back then I had no other care in the world. I had an actual shower and dried up and put on a hoodie. It was winter; no one would know the difference.

Diane knew. I have no idea how. She found out a week later, but she said she knew all along. She pulled me into a hug, and pulled up both my sleeves at once. She had my hands pinned up so I couldn't fight it. I thought she was going to cry but she didn't. She was calm and supportive. She told me I could still talk to her, that "even if I'm struggling I love how I can still help you out. That by sharing and being vulnerable it makes us more empathetic and more human". I never forget that quote. I still hold it dearly. So. Tell her how I like the pain that comes with the blood because it Dosn't fun as deep as the emotional scars that I have.

She tells me she struggled with this for years as a teenager. She tells me she got through it with counselling and lots of therapy. I told her there's no way we could pay for it all. She told me the school would arrange it. She had already called and they needed the final proof from her to sign me up. She told me so help her I would get better if it was the last thing she did. I went to those sessions weekly and cried on my mother's shoulder when the impulse was too much to bear. She held me tightly, and dearly.

When my mom died I told you I wanted to call her and talk about it. That's what I did all throughout my life. I also had the urge to cut myself again. I resisted that one. That battle had come and gone long ago. I wanted you Piper. Remember when I said you were the only other person who ever got through to my heart? Well then you fucking left too. And all I thought was "I am never getting out of this viscous cycle of poverty. I have all the money and power in the world but I am destined to be a fuckup and a failure". And so that's what I believed. I went to the funeral and there was fucking five people there. THey read some stupid script they probably downloaded illegally and it was so bullshit I could barely stop from punching out the goddamn priest.

Fahari drove by and picked me up. Offered to go back to Paris and party so hard I would forget. And it's what I wanted, I wanted it so badly. Not to forget DIane, but to forget YOU. Because you broke my FUCKING HEART and you were the only one in this whole world who even had it in the first place.

SO there it is Piper.

I tried for ten fucking years to forget you.

And yet here I am, lost between nightmares and daydreams.

Still waiting for you to turn around and come running back to Paris with me.

Not even going to bother to ask you to call me because I know you won't.

Alex

Notes:

Readers I apologize for the darkness of this part. Not all of them can be fluff, or sex, or love because the world is messy, especially the wold of Alex Vause and Piper Chapman. As one faithful reviewer has said "These two are SINFULLY angsty". True true which is why we love them nonetheless. Fear not, more will come (on a weekly basis of course) for these two inevitable twins. I'm trying to cover the most ground with flashbacks and musings from the complex character of Alex Vause's past. Suggestions are always welcome.

Reviewers, again you are freaking amazing. With every constructive criticism I get I improve and strive to integrate it with my next instalment. Positive reviews are also cool and I read every single one. I do reply to every review personally via PM.

Enjoy your weekend folks, and have fun!


	6. Chapter 6

AV

Queens, NY

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Letter One

You said you wanted an apology right?

Well here goes. I'm sorry Piper for…

I'm sorry Piper for letting you break my heart more than once. Nikki had such wisdom right when she said "Once a girl can break my heart, that's enough for me". See the moment she said that I replied with "You much so much self restraint". I mean goddamn you Piper I would never go so far to say I hate you but you know you broke my fucking heart! I loved you you know. I said it to you many times. Have you forgotten that already? I've not forgotten. And even after all these stupid games you put me through, look at me now. Vulnerable still. And here I am again, running at you full force because I just can't seem to learn a lesson to lead myself away from you. Nichols - Who knows she's not some god but she's the only sympathetic one around here. I miss her actually as about now. She always had a decent thing to say, or an indecent thing to say which was always decently funny.

Alright, so here's the confession:

ONE TIME (and one time only), At the time you had chosen your "fiance Larry so I was in the clear - technically I was single. That was your own choice may I remind you. Nichols asked if she could give me a hand job. And I let her. She stuck her fingers into me behind an old poster board and rubbed me till we heard "the bell ding". It was what she asked for for christmas for that stupid white girl (yes, white girl literally) secret santa gig. I tried to make her earrings but I think we both know I'm not exactly crafty. Well I AM crafty, I mean I don't actually make nice crafts. And to be clear, I did give her a quickie in return. Just with my hands. You know that's how Nikki Operates.

Me and Nikki, we got close because of our mutual stories about heroin addictions. She approached me first (not like I have to justify it to you anyway) to talk I mean. You know she's a true and true junkie. She was a user for years and years and years and fucking years. And man she told me about how beat up she was when she came here. How her withdrawal sent her into spirals of sleepless nights, days and weeks. How she shivered and quaked. How she was stealing breaking into houses if she couldn't pawn the cash off her parents. How she would come home in the night with used needles and chest infections and not have a care in the world because all she could think about was pills and pots filled with precious poison powder. It invaded her life and her soul. So we talked about how the demons build up inside our head. How it destroyed her life once, how in another way it destroyed mine.

"Supply and demand motherfucka" She would say to me. How her side of the coin was much worse not better off than mine in the end. How somehow we - [NO Piper, not "we" as in me and Nichols, "we" as in buyer, dealer, importer, boss] need each other to face our own exclusive rides along the H train on the road to self destruction. When I see kids - yes kids sometimes like her with all their spending going into drugs does it kill me in a way? Through the black leather and lace will it ever show on my face my distaste for this wasted generation of youth tangled up in drug wars within and outside of themselves? Slightly. Seeing Nikki beat up like that is starting to make me realize the true horror of the business I partook in. It's not only about my life under my boss, it's about thousands of people under the bosses that are their addicted brains so they can't use their brain powers to get themselves out of rock bottom. Overdose or permanent hell.

And yet, somehow I STILL MISS IT.

No, not the drugs. No, not the sex with Nikki. The thing that I still miss is the business. Yes, I Alex Vause miss nothing more than being a drug importer. I was really fucking good at it Piper. I would make millions every day on dirty cash. I would have the power to please and persuade. I had people's happiness, sadness, depression, I mean the emotions of people in a whole entire sling of countries at the tips of my hands. I could travel around the world bringing short-term joy and long-term misery to anywhere I pleased. I could seduce young college boring folks into being mules and having the adventures of a lifetime. All for free, all on me. Because sometimes Piper it's not all about you sometimes it IS all about ME (ALEX).

Did it feel nice? The sex you ask because yes honey I know you probably skipped that last paragraph just to get to the juicy details you really want to know.

Superficially yes. I mean anyone touching down there is going to trigger some primal nervous system response. And god knows its SO much better than dick (at least to me. And I think it's the same for you). But was it fully sex? Not in the way I discussed previously. Maybe you haven't read those letters. Ha! Bet you want to now. But anyways I said previously that that sex is always a mix of romance and instinct. My instinct was triggered with Nichols, but I swear to you that the romance wasn't. There was no kissing, cuddling, curling her hair. There was no teaching [I promise Piper I liked that part with you]. There was no declarations of "forever and always". It was all business. She was there when I was feeling frigid freezing and that's the end of story. You know how I feel about my bed being cold.

What you're probably wondering now is… Did I ever scout you as a drug mule? And the answer is no. Not even for a second. The moment I met you I loved you. Like I said before - "We were never friends". You were not like those other mules. Superficially yes - you had all the proper traits. You were a rich WASPy bitch who had easy money and hated her parents and was looking for adventure had enough stamps on her passport to avoid suspicion and wanted to fuck a woman and have money left over for beers. On the surface Piper trust me you would have been perfect [as a drug mule]. But also please believe me when I say that… You're different Piper. You were always better than those mules. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on you and who the hell knows why. You pulled strings in my fucking heart that I thought were severed long long ago.

So there you go darling, are we through and through our cards on the table?

Not quite you think, I can see it in those bloody blue eyes of yours, I can just picture the expression you're making right now. You're giving me the same look I gave to you time and time again when I knew you were lying to me. You've mastered that smirk now. Not sure how, I guess you've seen it too much. I still claim you've had more to lie about than I have.

But again, stories for another time, Kid. You'll just have to open all these goddamn letters one day. Maybe you'll be thankful about how persistent, consistent and loving I've always been to you. And I'm sorry for myself, yet sorry/not sorry for myself for letting myself fall in love with you Piper. Because Piper when I'm in love with you….

Please call me

-Alex

AN: Because a very lovely friend on this site recently told me what "AN" stood for

I always write the author's notes at the end, because I never feel like reading them at the beginning when I just want the story.

Standard shoutouts to reviewers, you have helped me grow so much as a writer I am humbled by every word: KarmAshcroft, Socha28, FaeCym, JessTerr, Flawed-Fallacy, izzielg you all make the honours list 3

To all those who favourite, follow the story I'm just so SO glad you liked this work. Writing a first fanfic is quite the ride!

For those who follow me as an author: Hint Hint I have another story being written in my back pocket for when this one comes to a close :D

Best wishes to everyone

Ps. To anyone who chose not to read the previous chapter I posted due to the trigger warning at the top - You are amazing. Thank you all for taking your own mental health and safety seriously. I am a strong advocate for healthy brains and healthy minds. I respect people can need to distance themselves from certain topics due to previous experiences which they don't want to re live. I am in absolutely no way offended if any reader ever decides they need to skip a paragraph or chapter. Additionally if you feel I have ever missed a trigger warning that should be added PLEASE let me know.

3 Lots of Love 3 Bobbiejelly


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer:

Not my best work, I know I suck.

I've been working on another fluff-fest "Half Moon" and got super super into it.

I will be joggling both, so bear with me :)

AV 3

Maximum Security Prison

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINE's DAY

 **The outside of this Valentine's Card reads:**

Prison Pick Up Lines

1\. "Damn, you are sexy in stripes."

2\. "Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of  
discarded metal found on the floor of the prison license-plate  
manufacturing shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see  
me?"

3\. "You know, normally I don't give in the first 30 seconds, but  
I guess I'm a sucker for sheer muscle mass."

4\. "Nice teeth. They'd look so much better on my the floor of my  
cell."

5\. "Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?"

6\. "I've been watching you from across the yard for awhile now,  
and I knew if I didn't work up the courage to just walk over here  
and ask you to be my bitch, I might regret it for the rest of my  
life."

7\. "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your  
head."

8\. "Did you order the Soap Drop soup?"

9\. "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your  
freshly-healed knife wound."

10\. "Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?"

11\. "You're new here... let me debrief you and introduce you to  
the penal system."

12\. "You look even better in person than you did on America's  
Most Wanted."

13\. "If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life."

14\. "Is your name 'Escape Tunnel?' Because I've been digging you  
all night."

Dear Piper,

Call me. Is that so fucking hard? Look if you really needed it I would wire cash right to your account so you could pay for it. But I know you don't need it and I know you don't want my pity pennies. Is it accurate to say that you rip these up? Do you throw them in the trash in the corner to be sure no one can rifle through them? Either way I don't care because there's not exactly an endless source of entertainment in this appartment. And I know its weird to call your EX on valentine's. But you're still in love with me right?

I could read, Yes I do like to read but there's nothing worth reading on Queens. The library in Litchfield I swear was better than this selection of garbage. Actually there is no library on Queen's. Apparently it got infested with bedbugs so what a bummer. I could watch TV I guess, but every time a romance program comes back on I can't bear to look at it. It remind me too much of you, of me, of… us. What is "us" to you? I saw you curse yourself as you said you "fucking hate me". Love and hate run along the same channels in the brain Piper. I know the line between love and hate is fine but I find that that's the least of the tightropes we've tip toed on together.

I read in the newspaper about this new love movie coming out. It's about people's best sex experiences. I read the summary and I'm pretty sure they all sucked compared to the ones we had. Ours "sucked" in a much different way. At least on your part. I was about to teach you to go down on me when fucking Sylvie attacked you for no reason. Aha but a few short weeks later you got your full lesson.

Sex is complex but it only has two pieces: romance and instinct. Those two elements will meld into bodies coming, yes coming closer and no matter how much you may try to suppress one of those elements it will be impossible. So you gave me romance first. You took me by the hand and led me to the bed. You leaned over me and whispered in my right ear "my turn".

You pulled off my black lace underpants and without a second though you took a first taste. It was hesitant. You almost squirmed at the taste of me but I looked at you with a smirk and you were determined you were going to make me scream louder than I ever had. This almost happened but not quite. I remember you turning around so your body was aligned to prop your face between my legs. You licked me softly to begin with with a feather touch that I'm not even capable myself of.

Usually I can control my face right up to the last minute but I was losing that battle, badly. I could feel a warm red blush upon my face and when you saw it you took full advantage. You hands floated down to the sides of my legs to tide me over while you pressed your lips into my mouth to share what you'd just tasted. It was like a forbidden fruit or something and you whispered (into my left ear this time), "I'm going to make this long…" and you tickle my thighs until I try to grab your hands but you're faster and you take them both into yours. I expect you to pin me up with them like I would but you bring them to your mouth and kiss them, softly.

Then you kiss my lips - those _other_ lips between my legs before running your togne up and down alongside my weakest part. And you start to increase your speed only to use your left hand to massage my breast and your right to cover my mouth. You lick up and down and then in figure eights and twirls. With my free hands I twirl your hair, then release it fearing I'll pull it out of pure agony waiting for release. I instead grab the head of the bed while I try to scream as my legs go like jelly and waves upon waves of shock reverberate through my entire body.

I lie there, stars coming above my face and I can't tell whether it is the chandelier or just my own consciousness fading in and out. And when I open my eyes I see your watery eyes looking at mine, looking for a sort of hint that you won and beat me at my very own best game. But I would never give you the satisfaction that you were better at sex than me so I push you over and you know what (who?) came next.

Does this send you down memory lane? Do you share this with your friends to laugh at me? Or are you rolling your eyes in pity? I haven't lost my touch I know you're doing none of the above. I can just picture you in your little cube, closing your eyes and picturing this scene, over and over and over again.

Call me,

Alex


	8. Chapter 8

AV

Queen's

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Letter One

Piper,

I heard your voice today.

That was the sweetest sound I have heard all week. When I heard your voice on the line it was only a faint whisper, but I would recognize that voice anywhere. I would recognize it even if I could not hear it would reverberate into my soul. It is the sweetest sound I heard my whole entire life. My chest threatened to burst open into tears when I picked up the phone. My heart threatened to break and burst out of my fucking chest.

I love you Piper.

I still do.

I'm really fucking lonely here in Queens. All I hear are the sounds of cars rushing by. They always seem to have places to go and people to see but I, do not. And funny enough Piper, I miss YOU the most. Even all the fucked up things you've done to me or lied to me about you still have this power over me. You still have this gravitational pull as if the universe draws us closer, closer.

So you are reading these letters Piper. You are I never knew but you are. You let slip that you read at least the one that says "I asked to get the same deal for you". I did. I swear I did but like I previously explained your testimony has no weight and it would do more harm than good.

I didn't want to put you in more danger, not in any more danger than you already are. Not more danger like the danger I might be in.

You never knew the extent of the violence in the cartel. I hid it from you. I wanted you to believe it was only about five-star hotels in Cambodia with three strangers and drag. And all I had to do was flirt with some girls emptily and take a few phone calls to be raking in millions upon millions.

I thought the chances of you getting caught were one in a million. I had nightmares I would wake up from where you would be arrested and taken from my arms.

Remember what I said to you Piper "I'm glad we have each other in here".

I would beg and plead and give myself up. I would stay there in prison just so you wouldn't be alone. Funny how by some dumb luck that actually happened anyways in our whirls and twirls of who was naming who. I still regret lying to you about that. I never in a million years thought you would ever have access to those files. So I lied to you for the first time that day, and I felt my voice quiver and shake. And I held my gaze and glazed my eyes over so you couldn't read into me. And I took a deep breath that you believed me.

When you found out it was me I thought I was going to cry. I thought I would cry because after all those years I felt I had finally won you back. And I fucked it all up again. I'm a fuckup Piper. And I was losing you again, and this time into a more dangerous world of hardened criminals. You pushed me aside and said something I will never forget as long as I live "Because I love you Alex. I love you and I fucking hate you".

Those words cut me like broken shards of glass tearing up every part of my body. I shivered and shrieked in pain, but only internally. Not on the outside. I'm a better liar than you Piper. Face it. I can read you like a book. I always could and don't deny that. And because I can read you so well that means I know when I looked into you eyes then that you were being genuine in your words. I know you love me. I know you fucking hate me. I know I'm confusing and a mess and a fuckup.

Things haven't gotten better when I'm all alone here. I still dream of you. I still lie awake and dreaming between consciousness and unconsciousness and wonder what it would be like to pull your lips into my own. We've kissed so many times I try to recall each and every memory and I can't. And I don't know why it feels so far away now. Since you mentioned being in Queen's I fantasize about you knocking on my door and waltzing in and me sweeping you off your feet.

I still want to protect you. Like I told you, having you lie at your testimony was the only way I can keep you safe now. Even if you hate me more than you love me and never want to have anything to do with me I still want to keep you safe. Even if you go back and nest with Larry I still want to keep you safe. How I used to keep you safe, how many lies I would tell to the upper king pins. I would tell them that you were trustworthy, that you were active in helping my work. I would tell them everything that was untrue and nothing that was true about you.

They forced me to implicate you to carry that bag of money. They forced me and threatened to hurt you if I couldn't get you to comply. They thought you had seen too much, that you had to play a part or you could take them down. Piper you've never seen how fucked up the cartel can be. You've never seen a person shot down dead in the head in a millisecond because they missed a heroin shipment. You've never seen murder the way I have.

You've never seen the dark days of the grungy parts of town. The ugly sides of town where your yuppie parents would never let you go. You've never seen where junkies live in run down shacks so they can afford more hits. You've never seen the domestic violence that occurs after people get high and people remember until they want to forget or forget until they want to remember. And you've never seen the used needles, the broken bottles, the captives the screams.

Its ugly. And you, you're not ugly. You Piper are beautiful. So soft and so pure. Milky white skin like porcelain. Delicate and blonde and beauty wrapped up in a present that I could unwrap forever. And I love every bit of you. Piper you're different. You were always more than a drug mule to me, I promise. The moment I laid eyes on you you were different.

And I wanted to protect you. I wanted to protect your innocence, never have you touch the world that was my world. I wanted you to have the fairytale prince in your life that you dreamed of. And I was that, I was that for the longest time. Did you know I was going to propose to you? I was going to marry you. I had a tiffany's box in my bedside table in Paris. I wanted to propose to you outside the eiffel tower. I was planning to the day Diane died. She knew. She loved you too, kid.

And now I still want you to be safe. But I want to see you. I know that by coming closer I'm bringing the danger closer to you. They say that "Shady arab dusky guys" are waiting for me outside my apartment. They say that there's a car always outside my window. I don't leave my apartment now. But I can't last here, I'm going to skip town. I'm going to disappear. I'm going to use some frequent flyer miles I still have and I'm going, away to who knows where. And I'll never see you again.

But first off, I will visit. I promise you.

Alex

AN: Thanks all to the readers of this story. Lot of angst going on here. We're reaching the climax of this story. Keep ready, keep reviewing. Love you all,

Bobbiejelly


	9. Chapter 9

AV

Queen's

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Letter One

Dear Piper,

Alright honey, here's the other little flashback I know you've been wanting to get your hands on. When I had my hands on that dykey chick in the visitation room when I was first incarcerated, Who the hell was THAT? I know Piper, not my type. Or do you know that? Obviously you've never met any of my exes (apart from Sylvie).

Well I met her in Paris, actually. I met her not as a drug mule but as a drug addict like myself. Wait what? I see the confusion well up behind your little ears. Are you tearing up for that? Are you tearing up at the thought of me shooting liquid gold into my veins and breathing a cool bliss that hits you like rock bottom the moment you stop? Hardly. It was pitiful. You would have hated me. For being a junkie, but moreso for being pathetic.

See kid, the rehab process is more than they make it out to be in movies. I was put in residential treatment. Kubra paid for me. He told me I was too valuable for the cartel to lose. Said I was "distracted" by my mother's death but that I could be put on the right path. Said if I could get myself clean that I would be the exception to the rule; that even as a former junkie like myself he would trust me I could regain all my former glory and power back. I could be his second in command. He told me I was his friend. Hear that:

 _He told me I was his friend._

Back then that was the perfect thing to say. It was what I needed after getting the opposite from that (I said it at the time, still not sure now ;) _loser_ of a girlfriend. That (I thought at the time) straight chick who only wants to use me for more passport stickers. The one that dumped me at the worst possible time. Only two people have ever been close to me. Only two people have ever broken down my barriers, broken down this tough leather black exterior to find the stupid softie inside. Those people are… (Tah-dah): Diane Vause and Piper Elizabeth Chapman.

So when I lost YOU, who did I turn to?

Absolutely freaking no one.

So instead I turned to my new girlfriend: Heroin. If you say it slurred enough it can sound like "Heroine" as in a female hero. Well she was my female hero so I thought. But despite me being a terrible junkie (Another story for another time, Kid), I ended up struggling through recovery. recovering in that kind of program was hell. We were in an isolated cabin in the woods, pretending to be "real live hippies" or something lame and all the while we have 24/7 supervision from "support" staff. They're about as freaking useless as the counsellors at Litchfield (or even more if you can believe it).

I swear I tried. I promise I tried pretty hard to talk to them. But the tangle of lies I had to go through was enormous. How can I ask someone to help me if I can't be honest about where I was getting the product? They're all hung-ho about this "twelve step" program or something. One of the steps is "remove yourself from the friends who did drugs with you". But see for most people this is not their co-workers (co-conspirators?). In fact it pretty much never is. Junkies are NEVER trusted with any supply chain. Period.

Guess that makes me one lucky chick? Anyways about that chick I mentioned earlier: We fucked. That's it. A few times, outside the grounds. Nothing exotic. No feelings. Just burning off some steam. And anger. It was anger. RAGE actually. Because God you know better than anyone how the best sex comes out of me when I'm enraged. So we hate-fucked each other - but not because we loved nor hated each other. She was mad about something else. I was mad about… You. Losing you. I was mad about you finding your passport, me not hiding it better. I was mad about you not going to Lebanon, I was mad about all these hopeless stupid things.

So she recovered less fast than I did. I mean like I said, Kid "I never fully committed [to being a junkie]. So there. I was determined to get the hell out of that place and start making some dough again. So I lied to every counsellor's face. I told them I was doing better, that I no longer felt withdrawals, that I was going to separate myself from all the toxic people in my life who influenced me to take drugs. And so I got out. But I still knew no one. I was adrift. I had a few weeks before Kubra was going to employ me again so I stayed around and helped that chick on her recovery. I helped her for real. Just because I thought it was the bitter help I could give to all the pain I've caused people over the years.

She had a child. Two actually though one was not biological. She had left them behind to go to rehab far away. It's another sort of prison there Pipes, another sort of hell. So when she got out the first thing she wanted to do was to come and see me. Goddamn the only address I could give her was Litchfield. And she came. She came to thank me for helping her recover and for "being a friend". Now Piper, don't get all jealous on me now!

I can just see your face burning, your cheeks blushing, the anger in those eyes turning the calm sea of blue into a storm. But before you storm out on me I will tell you I've never heard from her since that visit. We swore that would be the last time. She's the real deal junkie and the last thing she needs is memories of that awful past. It helps her to forget, to really forget the drugs to avoid anyone who ever mentioned those things in everyday life.

So there you have it Piper. The only,

The only "not actually love" confessions of an Alex who may have had a bit of sex while we were apart. But seriously though are we kidding here: You had sex with A GUY so that wipes out all my deeds into minuscule treachery by comparison. Do you agree? Maybe not or maybe so but hell I know you have an opinion so give me another call when you actually open these goddamn envelopes. Or better yet, we need to talk. In person.

-Alex

AN: I promise that this chapter is actually/relevant.

Also, thanks to the reviewers and the people who have messaged me about this story. I take reviews VERY seriously, and I do try to incorporate suggestions I get from fans. This story is about to get interesting, so stay tuned :)


	10. Chapter 10

AV

Queen's

Piper Chapman

Lichfield Prison

Piper I have a plan

I'm not safe here. I can't stay here. I see dusky looking guys outside my window every day and night. I see a van across the street parked constantly outside my door. I see big buys carrying concealed weapons out the back window. I see packages that could contain guns or worse.

I have been through hell and back with Kubra's cartel. I've seen murders right in front of my very own eyes. I've seen a guy shot down over one missed shipment. What I've done is far far worse.

They're waiting for me. Waiting for me to come out and the moment I unlock my deadbolt they will have me murdered. There is no justice Piper. No justice you know it. They will leave no trace, no evidence no nothing behind to tip off that they had me tortured till I'm bloodied and blue.

They know how to get rid of a body. There will be no funeral.

I have to disappear Piper.

I have to disappear.

Leave.

Disappear into thin air where no one will find me and no one can peg me.

I have a plan, I know what I have to do.

Next week I will contact Nora. Who is Nora you ask?

Nora is the girl I spoke about in my last letter.

We're over, I promise. I promise my heart is only with you.

But I need her help. She still has connections underground. She can get me a plane ticket, a way out. She will arrange my transportation to the airport. There I will board a flight direct to Greece.

I have money there, I have enough stored in an international account stored under a pseudonym. I have all the fake documents and passports and everything. This has all been planned years, months in advance long before I ever met you. Anyone as high up in the inner circles as I was has these safeguards.

We all kept our information seperate, so they couldn't trace our backup accounts all at once. I have about ten million in reserve there, definitely enough to start a new life.

Don't be mad I never told you. You never cared for drug money. I know you never wanted anything to do with it. You wanted to work for yourself even when I said I'd handle it. You still insisted on being a waitress back when we were living together for the longest time.

You're just like my mother that way Piper.

Just like my mom, she would never want anything more or less. She was always so honest about her work. It was her pride and joy to head into rusty diners and fast food chains wherever she could get a minimum wage job she would and work overtime and four jobs at once.

Just like you she was determined to prove she could live on her own and make it alone without anyone's pity.

Did you know that was the first thing that I was attracted to when I first saw you? I mean other than your killer looks and cute smile. And your eyes. But just the way you strived so hard to find that job (even though I stand by your needing to have a lesson in fudging a resume). But that you were standing there so confidently wanting to be considered. Took guts.

Just like my mom did when we were kids. Going up asking for jobs (not fudging a resume). And sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. Luckily for you you got a waitressing job. And you were damn good at it. I may have done to that diner a few times and just watched you serve. Only once. Maybe twice.

But anyways about the plan, I will get my money from Greece, but then I have to take off and leave again. Make new documents, fudge new passports, resumes, driver's licences (I'm better at fudging than you).

I will have to go far far away, traveling every few days never settling in. They will trace that account when I drain it so there's no way for me to last in Greece.

Maybe I'll head to asia, easier to disappear in the crowds.

I'll sneak onto a freight train in the dead of night, and wait till it takes off to its next destination. It could be hours. Grueling hours all alone in the dark.

I'll bring books. Poetry. Literature. I love reading as you know.

And I won't be able to read in the dark but I will be able to feel some of the words of the works I have memorized.

Memorized some poems that I find gorgeous.

But not as gorgeous as you Piper, I have you memorized in my memory too.

I might end up in Cambodia, with three strangers and drag.

But it won't be the same without you I know.

And I'll always think of you wherever I am.

Whoever I'm with,

I'll always want you.

I hope you accept my decision Piper. You were always the one to play it safe, and now I am forced to.

I hope you finally understand the stakes at hand.

This is black and white Piper.

This is life or death.

I'm in danger of dying Piper.

I can't stay.

I'm going to come and see you Pipes, one last time.

Please get me on your visitation list, we need to talk about this in person.

It will be dangerous, the most dangerous journey. They know I have you, I don't want you to get hurt. They know where Litchfield is. They know how to track me.

I'll be careful, but no promises this time.

See you soon,

Alex

 **AN: Yes I did it. I brought that Nora character in from letter number 9. I do love Alex, and I do think she's faithful to Piper. But she's also human. Piper is human. Alex is human. They're fighters and they do what they need to to survive. I always felt there had to be more than what was let on about Piper's decision to call Alex's parole officer and this is the one I have created: Nora. Yes I understand this may or may not be OOC (let's see what S4 brings). This is a work of my imagination and it's cool if you disagree with my little twist.**

 **I'm replying to a few reviews here, just for fun. I will say that I am going to explain some of my rationales for the way this was written, so if you'd rather be surprised or have your interpretation feel free to skip. Engaging with reviews and messages and comments - ESPECIALLY constructive criticism is my FAVOURITE part of writing on this site. Please don't shy away from critiquing, I love trying to improve my writing and I'm always up for suggestions.**

 **Also, a few reviews were a bit confused at how vastly Alex's emotional state varies in these letters. How some all are sincere but some are angry, happy, all of it. These two have spent so much of their lives with each other, they have hurt each other so much and brought out every single good and bad in the both of them. They have history beyond history. And yes it seems like a bad move to be angry when writing letters when trying to make your lover forgive you and call you. I imagine these as a sort of stream of consciousness where Alex examines what her thoughts are in the present day and relays them to Piper as if she was with her. She feels no need to hide around Piper.**

 **Some reviewers also wondered about Alex's stability given the variance in these letters. I take that as a compliment for two reasons: 1) Questioning Alex's sanity is actually super valid at this point. I felt personally that her character varied widely from S2 to S3 - she was super confident in S2 and in S3 she becomes paranoid, vulnerable and emotional. So I thought these letters could bridge that gap and hint and foreshadow at where Alex will be when she comes back to the Litch.**

 **2) Alex is such a dynamic character with so many sides its amazing as a writer to explore all of these. This also means I get to take a few creative liberties: Such as including details such as in Ch. 9 about Alex skipping town that in "reality" she could never write because the CO's read all the mail and her plan would be foiled. Also writing such different letters would not have happened either - Piper didn't read them in Canon and Alex knows this. She likely sent similar letters to Piper every time - more like the one in Ch. 1 of this fanfiction. Of course I had to diverge from Canon here because it would be of no interest to anyone to read the same chapter over and over. In order to move the "narrative" along there's got to be some different stuff :)**

 **Writing Canon has been a challenge for me - extensive research, trying to keep in character and make sure I'm up to date on all the references. Its also hard because there's so much pain and hurt. This is not a fluff fest for me, nor the readers. If you're looking for that I suggest checking out "Half Moon" my other work that's more up that alley.**

\- With love

Bobbiejelly


	11. Chapter 11

Note to readers:

This is word art

Don't read it on mobile it will be a shit show.

You're Welcome.

Dear Piper,

Like I said, we need to talk in person.

This is not the first time we've needed to talk in person.

We don't really do well not in person.

If you know what I mean.

Well actually,

Anyways,

We were never good

at deep conversation, or any

For that matter

We were always just going with

The flow

Because that's how

I roll you know

Like a

Wave on

That beach in

Cambodia

That I promised you

We'd go to

And

I would be there with you

For you and only for you with you

And hold you in my arms

Into the night

Into

The day

How can I convey How can I convey

How much I How much I

Love Piper I love you Love

You 3 You

Piper I Love Piper I Love

I love

You

With all my

Heart

I heart

You

And

Without

You

My world

Becomes

Flat

And still

And still

And still

I sit here

Still

I'm still and I'm wondering at every moment my heart is beating faster I swear I'm being pursued and looked at and observed and not in the way I always was. I was admired. I could have anyone I wanted. The girls wanted to be me or fuck me they couldn't decide. The guys wanted to fuck me and to be me because I could fuck whoever I wanted so be flattered I chose YOU.

I was feared.

They feared ME

They would

Cower in Fear

Because

If I wanted

To I could

Rip their

Goddamn

Hearts

Out

Because

I thought

I never

Had one

They have

Feelings

Attachments

Commitments

That I don't

Have

Because I don't get my heart broken I only break hearts

No one had anything against me

I was invincible

I was invisible

Love

Was invisible

To me

Until I see

You

Piper

And I see

What you make

Me see I see me

All alone

Trying hard

Not to cry on

The bus

Like a girl

Not a woman like

I am now

Tattooo

With my tattoo that I wear over

My hair and over my wrists where

I used to cut my arms bare

When I was so alone

And

I

Was

Scared

This

Rose

So

I-

Ro-

Nic-

I

Was

Not

The

Love

type

When I saw you

You were a girl

A beautiful girl

I wanted your innocence wanted to hold it in my hand

Wanted to hold you in the palm of my hand and to

Protect you. Wanted you to need me because

I don't need anyone, or so I thought. Because

What I thought back then was that I was

NEVER going to fall in or out or in back

In love out of love in love with you

Until I could barely breathe when

You touched me I was addicted

From first breath of you on my

Shoulder I had plunge into

The depths of the, the

Unknown and like this

Ship that is sinking sinking down into the earth into the depth of my consciousness into the depths of the bottom of my life the rock bottom of my life the rock bottom of my life when you left me

YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART

And Somehow I forgive you?

Why do I let my walls down again

Let you in again

Let you in again to the

Place in the

Space in my life that

You can break me

By you can shake

Me by you can ache

Me by and torture me

Rattle me clean and yet

Some part of me thinks you're worth it

And maybe it's perfect that we shall meet again soon

And until we meet again

May the god that loves us all

Hold us in the palm

Of his hand

Like an irish blessing

I give you my blessing

To love

Me

Again

I'm not sure what this meeting with you will hold.

I'm tingly and nervous all over again like a schoolgirl

With a boy

But You're better than a boy

Oh boy

You make me feel like

I'm on a roller coaster

Going over

Getting whiplash

Neck back

And forth

And forth

Go forth

Until you can never

Go back on your

Word again

And maybe then

We shall

Be endgame we

Are endgame we

Will end the

Game

With each other

I'm not allowed to

Bet, but if I could,

I would bet on you

AND I BET THAT YOU WOULD TOO I LOVE YOU TOO PIPER PLEASE JUST

Call me,

Everyday

I want to

Wake up to

You,

Every day

And I

WIll always love you.

 **AN: Review "YES" if you want this to be not the last chapter**

 **Review "NO" if you want this to be the last chapter.**

 **I take majority. Of course you can also add other things**

 **to the review. But people are lazy and I respect that.**

 **-Bobbiejelly**


	12. Chapter 12

AV

Queen's

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

Dear Pipes,

I Love You

I loved you since the first moment I ever laid eyes on you. "We were never friends".

"I heart you" Piper. I see stars and hearts and moons when I think of you. You are my muse. Everything I read every love story there is to tell, every love poem I feel is written just for you. For me and you.

I remember the first time I saw you I just went right up to you and called you Laura Ingalls Wilder and you smiled. And that's the first thing I notice in a woman. How she smiles. How your lips curl under and your eyes light up like wildflowers. And how beautiful the dimples form on your face.

I remember chatting with you for ages at the bar and just wishing you would give someone like me the light of day. I'm the one breaking hearts Piper. I could have any woman I wanted except I wanted you. And I knew it but you might not have known it yet and I knew that I just had to get to know you. Know you. Know every single part every detail of you.

I remember when you were trying to get that job as a waitress I could see right through your lies. I could see right through to your soul when I looked into your bright blue eyes they shone on and on it opened. It opened my heart and for a moment I was terrified you could see into my soul. My soul too and I felt like I was being ripped apart into a million pieces. Torn apart because I had never felt this attached to someone. To anyone at all like this ever before.

When I was with you I felt like I was high when I was clean I was drunk when I was sober I was on top of the world in the lowest of lows and low and behold you were there for me to hold at the end of the day I. I wanted you. I wanted you to be the one I came home to every, single, day because I felt like I was dreaming, dreaming the best dream I could ever dream with you Piper.

Years ago when we were in Cambodia I would stay awake all night and listen to the rise and fall of your chest besides me. I would keep my eyes open not wanting to waste a second of being near you. You were so peaceful in your sleep then I would tangle your hair in my fingers as if it were solid gold. I would touch your skin as if it were beauty itself. I would wonder why your gaze would melt me on every occasion. I would wonder why on earth I deserved this perfect girl who looked at me as if I were the sun.

I've only loved two people in my life. Piper and Diane. And you are one and the same in some ways. In my mind I knew you were just like my mother working all those hours in that shity cafe strugglng for you independance. You wouldn't take no for an answer so you had so much ambition and drive I would drive you around sometimes and we'd have the best of days. Days spent just in a car talking about every book we both read which felt like everything.

We would go in second hand bookstores and flea markets and you'd have milk in your coffee and I'd always think it was the sweetest thing though I teased you relentlessly. Once you got drunk for the first time you lightweight you and I carried you home up six floors of our apartment and had you drink lemonade and crawl into my arms. I would trace shapeless patterns on your neck on your spine as shapeless emotions formed in my consciousness.

I would "forget" to wear gloves going out to a show just so you would hold my hand and I would trace hearts along your palm. I would hope and pray you would just think my hands were always that sweaty and not because you were the only girl I ever felt nervous around. "I wanted you to like me, I still do".

Like I mentioned it before I assumed we would be forever. Diane did too. She gave me her blessing long long ago when she first met you. When Diane first met you we were at a coffee shop back home. She already knew I liked you. I never admitted it yet, but somehow she always knew. Diane just gave us a "well imagine that" sort of look after she told you about all the embarrassing things I did as a kid.

You know I never told you this, but once my mom said this amazing phrase to me, that "Lovers Never Meet, their souls are in each other from the very beginning". I never believed her, and then I met you and somehow I did. I've travelled all over the world Piper and I truly believe no matter where we were we would have a connection.

"I think when you have a connection with someone, it never goes away. You snap back to being important to each other because you still are". Your eyes lit up all bright when I whispered this that day we were playing cards. They didn't smell at all, and I know you don't cheat at cards. But I know you would want to protest and I know I wanted to let you win. Win the game win the tease win my heart.

My heart was bursting when your hands were on mine for that minute. I missed that touch every day when we were separated. I missed it when you were in a separate bunk or a separate bed or what felt like a separate universe before we were reunited again.

You brought out the best in me. All my life I feel I have this inner conflict where my body and mind want me to be like Diane or like Lee Burley. My mom always taught me everything to make it so I would grow up good with what little we had. But Its like I was destined for bad things right from the beginning. I was born addicted to heroin. Did you know that? I was in the hospital for months. I pulled through.

But that pull towards drugs was always there. I thought when I was selling I was in control. The power made me feel great like I had won over this demon. But it working. Most days now I feel like I grew up to be like my father. I'm not proud of that.

When I was with you I thought I had enough. I thought I was enough. Enough to be worth caring about, worth fighting for. When you were my little spoon "Come be my little spoon" I realized that there was a soulmate out for me, someone to fit perfectly in the crook of my neck in the space between my arms in the space in the place where I most dearly needed her.

You made me a better person. You showed me more honesty, more trust, more emotion more connection I ever thought I would have. You showed me what I find real in this world.

Even if you hate me, which you don't I know you don't I will never regret running into you ten years on. I'm sorry for it Piper, I'm sorry for all of it. If I could do it over I honestly really would. You were right all along, right that I should quit my job, save my earnings. Put you first, the love of my life first.

I saw it flash before your eyes twice, I know you were honest when you told me "I love you" despite what you said afterwards. I know you don't hate me. I loved when you said you were confused by me it makes my body ache to know how much you still crave me. How much power we have over each other still.

I was never more scared then when I was waiting for you in the airport in Brussels. I joked to hide how afraid I was that Kubra was going to have you killed. I already couldn't imagine life without you. I was already going to take every risk if I could in your place. That's why I made you lie at your trial, to keep you safe "This is the only way I can keep you safe now".

This is why I wanted to get Kubra arrested, to keep him locked up and away, away from you. I know it didn't work out, but I really did try and I really did have good reasons, always good intentions when it comes to you.

I can't leave you Piper. You're even more addicting than heroin. Your body is mescaline and heroin and speed and weed and crack cocaine all at once. My eyes are drawn to you my hands I can't keep them off of you when you touched my sweater in the waiting room I was on fire with desire to stay there forever.

"Don't leave, I have no one left" you pleaded.

Piper I'm writing this on the train back to Queen's. When I get there I'm going to come back to you. I can't leave you. I love you too much. I'll miss you too much. I don't care about the risks. Living without you is not living, not really I'll do anything for you.

So please, I will be coming. I will be coming back, coming home. You are home to me wherever we are. Give me a week and I'll stay safe. But I'll come visit. I'll come visit every week and then on if I have to. I'll fight for your release. I'll stay until you're free.

I had a wedding planned. I can't believe it, I don't do weddings. And I would, I would with you.

I had a ring for you, I was going to propose on that trip in Paris. That's why I was so secretive. THat's what I was hiding. I wanted forever and ever and happily ever after. So much I would get down on one knee and ask you to marry me. I had the tiffany's box under your passport. Hidden you never saw it. But it was there. Still there. I still have it. I'll give it to you someday soon.

If I die before you receive this, then let it be my final blessing to you.

Piper Elizabeth Chapman,

You are the love of my life.

-Alex Vause

 **AN: This is the end of the story as we know it. After much pleading in the reviews I thought we all needed one final fluff. All the letters have lead up to this.**

 **Many people have asked about an active Piper in this series. Stay tuned, there will be more. Some amazing reviewer suggested a great idea and you shall fined out next sunday. Have a great weekend everyone!**

 **The end of part 1 of my first fanfiction. Its been a ride 3**

 **-Bobbiejelly**


	13. Chapter 13

Alright lovelies, as requested by a lovely reviewer I'm going to keep up this series by adding all of Piper's thoughts and commentaries when/ if she reads Alex's letters. Yay we finally get to see her perspective! Love you all :)

Piper's responses are in BOLD.

AV

Queen's

Piper Chapman

Litchfield Prison

 **This letter just arrived in the mail. FUCK YOU ALEX. I'm still pissed at you. Why would I ever read your letter. There's nothing I want to hear from you. Every time I'm with you I always seem to be making these irrational moral choices. Everything is right or wrong and all black and white. Good and bad. Good and evil. You get the picture. Well I'm done with you. I'm finally done. I'm putting this letter in the goddamn trash. There.**

 **Well actually maybe I'll put it in the trash** _ **tomorrow.**_ **I'm still slightly curious as to what it says. Probably lies. But amusing. Well maybe. I'm in prison it's not like we have loads and loads of distractions here. Since I've got back this place is shitty as usual. Nothing great nothing new.**

 **My head is whirling at this letter. Why do you have this power over me Alex? Why do you have this seemingly gravitational pull. If you were here I'd punch you in the face you manipulative cunt who wrecked my life not once but twice.**

 **I broke the law over you. I screwed over my family and my fiance. I've destroyed everything good I ever had for you narcissistic selfish person that you are.**

 **Three days later I pull this out of my cubby again. I hide them there because people usually keep out of other people's shit if they know what's good for them. Now I'm picking at the seams of the envelope where a letter opener has already cut it open already open and torn.**

 **We don't even have the freedom to tear open our own letters. I'm picking at the seams deciding whether to pull out the paper or not.**

 **Once week later. I cave. I decide to read it. But No matter what you say I won't believe you...**

Letter One

 **Oh is this like some series now? Some like I don't know Harry Potter saga where everyone betrays everyone and it all works out in the end?**

Dear Piper,

 **Humph. I'm** _ **Piper**_ **to you now?** _ **We were never friends.**_

 **Wait why do I even give a fuck. You're nothing to me now.**

 **Think of the betrayal. Think of how she hurt you. Think of how she lied to you.**

If you even read this letter (which I highly doubt)

 **Well you underestimated me Alex. Or overestimated me. I don't even know what's weak or strong right now. Whether opening this is a sign of strength or weakness.**

, I'm telling you in advance that this letter is NOT an apology.

 **WHAT THE FUCK ALEX, if you ever thought I'd ever forgive you you might have started there. I mean this is worse than when you were locked in the fucking dryer. And you're not even here right now. You write to me and expect me to what? Like you? Love you? Get back together Get it together Alex I'm not twenty three anymore can't you see you can't just kiss me like it's alright anymore.**

I'm not at all sorry for what I persuaded you to do so don't even think about it.

 **REALLY ALEX? NOT EVEN A LIE.**

 **You were ever one for bullshit.**

 **At least you never tried to lie again.**

 **Though your lies are better than mine I'll admit that.**

 **You lie with your eyes.**

 **You lie so hard you believe yourself so you believe your own truth your own lie.**

 **So why should I believe you now.**

Just like your first conviction I reaffirm that it is only your actions that landed you in Litchfield.

 **MY ACTIONS.**

 **Jesus Alex. Sure but** _ **LYING**_ **at my own hearing. Really Alex. That wasn't my own actions that was being twisted around your pretty little finger again.**

I never forced you to go to Brussels; you were all over the adventure and now you face the consequences. Same to for now.

 **And the consequences for my first conviction were to be thrown in this shithole with YOU. And the opposite happens now. How ironic. Are you the only one who got out? Or did all the other minions get out too?**

If it is any reassurance I would like you to know that it is a good thing you lied at your trial

 **WTF**

Like I alluded to in Chicago, Kubra's power reigns much stronger than that of our court system.

 **NO SHIT ALEX. Even I knew that and I'm not one of his goons.**

He's out Piper.

 **OH MY GOD.**

 **He's out? After you testified against him? How is that even fucking possible unless you lied to me about being in the upper circle with him. Maybe you weren't actually his right hand man maybe you were just some random importer that he could have fucked over.**

He's out on the streets on the loose again with more power than ever to disappear, to terrorize, to steal, to gain money.

 **Of course. He's a criminal. Tell me something I don't know you're wasting my fucking time.**

He's out to kill. And we all know who his next target will be.

 **Wait Alex are you safe?**

 **A thousand thoughts swirl in my head. I can't breathe for a moment. I try to sit down and I end up sloppily fall onto the space between the wall and my bunk. Alec could be dead. Dead. DEAD. I can't imagine it. What would I do without her. Well wait I thought I had nothing to do with her. Why should I care? We're over. We're not together anymore. She doesn't want to be my prison wife. I think of the eight years I lived without you. I was fine. I told myself I was fine anyway. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was. What would I do if I found out you were dead? I don't know if I would scream or laugh. It's not funny.**

 **I look back on the years we were together all over the world. You were my world. Wait I can't think like that now it's only a letter. Only a letter she's not dead. She's not dead. Take in a breath inhale exhale. Take in a breath. Steady yourself. Look at the wall. Realize you're here right now.**

So then why you ask did I tell them the truth?

 **You tell me.**

Why would I reveal information that puts me in danger every moment of my remaining days?

 **Honestly Alex.**

 **Since I know you I would say that its because you LOVE the adrenaline. You LOVE the rush and you love the power. You just wanted to speak those words that pierce like icicles when you spoke and it cut right into Kubra Balik. You loved every fucking minute of it.**

Why would I want to come "home" to another life of fear -

 **Coming home. That's what love is to me. Like coming home. And she's never coming home. Unless she falls in love with some other bitch. Who I will hate on principle. Not that I care because I'm supposed to be done with this bitch.**

where every creak at my apartment door makes me jump in paranoia,

 **Like hell it does. You're Alex Vause get your shit together. I was always the panicked one. I was the one to jump at every turn you would make fun of me for it. You thought I was just a goody goody still. You would try to scare me it was a fucking passtime.**

cower in fear and pull out a gun from my belt pocket adrenaline coursing through my veins as I steele myself to be a killing machine.

 **YOU'RE ON PROBATION YOU CAN'T HAVE A GUN.**

 **Honestly Alex, you REALLY love running in with the law.**

 **You're just begging for trouble.**

 **It's like you're** _ **trying**_ **to get put in here again.**

Well newsflash Kid, all that IS "Home" to me. Fear, doubt, paranoia has been my life since I was very young.

 **Well you've done a good job at hiding it.**

 **You were always so strong. Grew up fast.**

I know what its like to always have enemies on your tail.

 **Maybe the police are the good guys Alex.**

And do I want to be done with all that once and for all?

 **NO. I don't believe you. Not for a second. You missed dealing more than you missed drugs Alex. You're fucked up.**

Of course Piper, but I'd also like to win the Lottery and that's not happened either.

 **Would that change anything? You have more money than the fucking Lotto. You make that in a day. You could have all the money you wanted because of those dirty drugs.**

So this is the closest I was ever going to get - a chance for Kubra to be in prison and me to be free.

 **Free to what Alex? You have no qualifications. You said yourself you can't get a real job!**

And even in all its bitterness I savor this taste of freedom like having the first taste of a persimmon in spring.

 **Why do you even like those anyways? You and your soft fruit. Seriously. Those things are way to sickly sweet for me. You always had the sweet tooth.**

Its an imperfect yet perfect feeling.

 **Freedom?**

 **Angst?**

 **Fear?**

 **Paranoia?**

 **I can't even tell Alex. Be more clear.**

Are you worried about me?

 **Is that a yes or no answer?**

 **NO.**

I highly doubt it.

 **WELL FUCK YOU TOO.**

I know you too well Kid

 **KID? Is this REALLY the time to be treating me like a child when YOU are the one who made me lie while you went off to be a tattletale. And you're the one begging not me.**

and I know that you're probably too focused on your own life right now.

 **First of all there's nothing to do here so really I'm not that busy. But no I am not** _ **dwelling**_ **on you not being here in fact life is great right now without all the drama thank you very much.**

You're probably focused on your dissapointed lawyer,

 **Ew. Dr. Bloom?**

 **Or you meant how much he's an idiot. I'll give you that.**

or some new Litchfield prison drama,

 **HEY this shit's tough to navigate. People are cruel you know. Especially criminals.**

or maybe even your Ex Larry.

 **HA!**

 **What you think I'm back to boys again.**

 **Actually yes. Because he's giving more security than I've ever had with you.**

But I hardly doubt you spend your time wondering about the shadow of [what is it for you? Is it lust or boredom or anger or revenge?]

 **Answer E: All of the above**

that clouds your head when you dare to whisper my name.

 **Actually you don't really come up really. Nicky dosn't even really ask about you.**

You probably think this is my own goddamn fault so I have to deal with it alone whiles you go fuck someone else. I just hope sex with them is not as good as what we have [had?].

 **YES. Yes it truly is all your fault Alex.**

 **And I know you won't have any trouble finding someone to keep your bed warm. What about one of your endless drug mules.**

Alas I can see the question forming in your mind as your eyes gleam along these tiny scribbles.

 **Of all the things running in my head how could you possibly know.**

 **Questions.**

 **Things I'm wondering.**

 **One letter isn't enough to answer them.**

 **You confuse me Alex.**

 **You're a fuckup.**

 **And a messy one at that.**

 **You know it.**

I can see the wonder and confusion as you search for a glimmer of what?

 **Fuck you.**

 **How could you-**

 **You're not even here and you mess with my head.**

 **GET OUT.**

Hope?

 **No.**

Hope that someday your {What am I even to you} I'll just say Alex will come home to you with roses.

 **Ha! One time when we were together I bought you roses. You hated them. I spent all day picking up all the reddest ones because they matched your tattoos. And you just said I was way too hetero.**

Am I worried about you Piper?

 **Doubt it.**

Yes I am.

 **Liar.**

There. I said it.

 **Liar.**

Do I still care about you Piper?

 **No.**

Yes

 **No.**

. I do.

 **NO YOU FUCKING DON'T.**

 **Quit playing me Alex. I can't do this again.**

 **Why does this make me happy though. Why does it matter to me why do I have to fight for it not to matter why am I getting tingling feelings missing you I don't miss you but maybe.**

There, I fucking said it are you satisfied?

 **What are you doing the bare minimum to please me now? Is this some game?**

Have I blown your egotistical mind out of proportions now?

 **HEY My ego is NOT that big. I'm not that self centered. At least not as much as you think.**

Hardly like more ego can fit inside those long, blonde locks of hair anyways.

 **HARSH.**

Did I plan beforehand how I was going to play the trial?

 **OBVIOUSLY.**

 **You wanted to fuck me over as bad as you possibly could!**

Did I know in advance that I was going to get you to lie while I was going to tell the truth?

 **YES. SEE PREVIOUS.**

That's a story for another time, Kid.

 **FUCK YOU.**

Best of luck at Litchfield Piper,

 **FUCK YOU.**

From Alex

 **FUCK YOU.**

 **I want to tear this thing to goddan bits a million pieces like you rip my fucking heart out every time I hear a word you say. I'm not going to write. Then you won't write back. Why don't you just enjoy your newfound freedom all by yourself or get a new Naive blonde to mess with why don't you Alex because my mind has not been changed.**

 **I still hate you. I'm not sure I love you. Anymore.**

So there it is,

Piper responding to Alex's letters. Please review and tell me what you think. Does this interest anyone? Do you like the format? Should Piper write back?

Have a great weekend everyone!

Bobbiejelly


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